Birthdays and Aging in Korea: Sadism sadism sadism sadism.

안녕하세요!

I’m writing this entry fresh from a post-birthday fog. Hidden advantage to being crammed into a dorm with 400 people for a 9 day EPIK orientation: It forces you to have friends. Friends that, despite your efforts to completely ignore the further advancement into the age of cats and collecting dolls, will take you out two weekends in a row and give you crowns and things to wear.

2 out of 3 of these light up. I know you jelly of my birthday swag.

In the spirit of my (insert age here) birthday, I figured I would let you all in on a couple of Korean birthday traditions I’ve come to learn about this week. You’re probably going to notice various forms of the word “sadism” in this particular blog post because I’m slowly realizing that the generally accepted form of celebrating someone’s survival for 365 whole days is to punish them in some painful or disgusting way.

First, let me let you in on this factoid:
Age is calculated differently in Korea than in Western countries. In Korea, you have your Korean age, and what’s known as your “international age”. “International age” refers to the Western style of age calculation that literally everyone else on the planet besides Korea uses. (Note: Did not do research; cannot confirm truth of previous statement.) International age is based on your actual birth date and year and the math involved and whatnot. For example, if John came flying out of his mother’s vagina on December 27, 1988, his international age is 24. Pretty straightforward.

Korean age is calculated using pure sadism and the desire to prematurely age John. When a baby is born in Korea, it is already considered to be one. Which, in a way, makes sense, since a fetus is technically aging in the womb. I’m not knocking the science behind this. I just hate it.

Anyway, based on that, John is 25 instead of 24. Poor John’s lost a year of his life. But that’s not all on the confusing “the-fuck-is-this?” Korean age train, folks! While, in Western countries, John would go from being 25 to 26 on the day of his birth, in Korea, December 27th comes and goes, and nothing happens. John is still 25. Why? Because John won’t be considered 26 until the Lunar New Year, where everyone in Korea simultaneously becomes one year older.

Let’s bring some more theoretical people into this. Min-Hye is born on February 15th, 2013 as a one year old. Ye-Hoon is born on January 30th, 2014 as a one year old. But because the Lunar New Year is on January 31st, 2014, Ye-Hoon turns 2 the day after he launches himself like a placenta-covered missile out of Mommy. Min-hye turns 2 on this day as well. Min-hye and Ye-Hoon, in Korea, are the same age.

Cool, right? Or maybe not so much. It depends on how you feel about getting older. Considering the general opinion in Korea seems to be that you turn into a pumpkin (or even worse, a 노처녀) the day you turn 30 and are no longer dating material, I can’t say I’m a big fan of being a full year (or two; math is hard) closer to that age. I’m not ready to accept “forever alone” status just yet.

Now, there are two reasons this information is relevant, aside from my impending life crisis.

1. Ladies and Gentlemen: This means that, when you meet Ye-Hoon or Min-Hye at the club and they tell you they are 22 or 23, they might actually be 20 or 21. For the younger crowd, this also means that when Ye-Hoon or Min-Hye say they are 18 or 19, they might actually be 16 or 17 and you are officially being gross. My advice? Ask what year they were born rather than how old they are.

2. On a slightly less creepy note, since Korea does the whole “age progression” thing differently, your individual day of birth isn’t quite the big deal here as it is in your home country. Those of you that celebrate “birthday weeks” or “birthday months” would probably be considered mentally unhealthy in Korea. However, that doesn’t mean your birthday will go completely unnoticed (even if you try to make it so). Which brings me to my next segment……

SUPER FUN SADISTIC BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION TRADITIONS OF SADISM  AND HORROR!

1. 상일빵 (Sang-il bang):
You know the Western concept of birthday spankings? You turn 23, you get spanked 23 times. Your grandma turns 65, you spank her…65…times….
…..
Anyway, Korea has also embraced the tradition of physically assaulting the birthday boy or girl. I went to the amazing and lovely Shisha House in Gungdong with two friends on Saturday night, and as we’re ordering our shisha/harassing the delightfully bilingual shisha dispenser, my friend lets it slip that she’s paying for aforementioned lung cancer because it’s my “birthday gift”. Korean shisha dispenser hears. Korean shisha dispenser proceeds to inform my generous friend about the “Sang-il bang” tradition.

This is a concept similar to Western birthday spankings in which, if you give the birthday boy/girl a gift, this somehow earns you the right to beat them.  But “Sang-il bang” is better than the Western birthday spanking, because they only get to hit you once, and at least you get a present in exchange for the pain.

2. 상일주 (Sang-il ju):
Sang-il ju has no Western counterpart, as far as birthdays go. I imagine, however, its Western twin can be found in the dark basements of frat house hazing rituals across America. The basic idea is that you take a beer, soju, whatever alcohol is on the table and pour a drink for the birthday boy or girl. Then, you take whatever food might be on the table, and put that in the drink. And we’re not talking your typical pretzels or peanuts going into your Cass, birthday kids. Sometimes, Korean bar food looks like this:

The friend that ordered this for the table has since been sacrificed to the “What-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you” circle of Hell.

And then, once there are peanuts and various fish by-products in said beverage, the birthday boy or girl has to drink it.

The hell, Korea. What. The. Hell.

Fortunately for me, I was able to keep my drinks far away from any food items and successfully escaped this one, although I am still a little curious as to whether the addition of various foods would have actually made my beer taste better. (Seriously, Korea, for the pro-level drinkers you are, you really should have developed better tasting beer by now.)

So there you have it. If you’re ever celebrating your birthday in Korea (which, hopefully, you will), you’ve been properly warned. There’s a significant chance you will be bruised and projectile vomiting after ingesting filefish-flavored Cass.

Here’s a fun fact: Dried filefish literally melts in your mouth. Nothing but M&M’s should do that.